My Inner Critic

My toxic inner critic. Holy shit, I had no full clue that was the case. I had a little inkling, but wow, now that I’m free, mostly free, I feel so free. Your weight is off my shoulders and my mind. What a blessing. I no longer care; I can no longer care. Wow. That’s crazy.

You were feeding off of me, I don’t even know whether you realize it or not, but you were absolutely feeding off of me. Using me to lift you somehow, anyhow. Wow. Whole time I thought you never fully saw me or heard me. But now I know more surely: you couldn’t care about those things, only that I provided fuel for you. It still feels so weird, but a hundred percent good.

It’s not black or white; there was certainly some good for both you and I. Things did work out most times, but not as a whole or as a concept. It was you picking at me for little wins of power. I made you feel good and big, you made me feel bad and small. Probably without even realizing it, no one usually knows it, everyone’s on autopilot. As long as it doesn’t bother them then they’re good.

And then it imbues itself within me and my psyche, travelling along as an inner critic—always putting me down, silencing my spirit, and breaking my soul. Why allow it? Not fighting back against it means some part of me accepts it. That part allows it to seep in and speak to me. Terrible. Now that it’s out, I reject it, and I feel free. No more burden within my soul. How validating.

It was a necessary evil, and you probably didn’t even know it. You’ve just been getting away with it for so long and faced no real consequences for it. It always worked for you and made you big, so why not? Who cares about how other people feel? It’s their job anyways, right? “If they allow me to eat them then so be it; they shouldn’t have let me. If they fight back, they’re wrong because it goes against me. What I want is right. What I think is right. They don’t know anything and are wrong; otherwise they wouldn’t be going against me. It doesn’t make sense to go against me. They just don’t understand.”

I’m free to live again. No more care or fear of judgment and criticism. No more minimizing nor mockery. I feel so much more free to be myself and speak my mind again. I always knew they wouldn’t accept my voice and mind. They already placed me in a square box and left me there, silencing all opposition. I am who they say I am: that little man in that box over there. Nothing more. Nothing less. Maybe less.

I used to feel like my life required justification. What a joke. My heart and soul were not enough for life; it must also be approved by “yours truly.” Otherwise, you’re a fool! “What do you know? If you knew what I know, you would not do what you did.” Well, perhaps I can serve the same argument! Perhaps I have a different want, need, and view! By God, darling, you’re a fool! Why should I even care for what you have to say? Only what I say should matter. My decisions for me, myself, and I. Leave me out of this.

I’m free again.

Though I feel a little mean and guilty for it. Because for sure you do not fully know the ways you are, and even if you did, you wouldn’t care: it works for you! There’s no need to change unless there’s a need for it! And this has always worked for you. Why stop now? Why change now? For whom? “Not me, then why even ask who? It would not benefit me at all, because it works for me!”

Until it doesn’t. But by then you’re stuck in your ways. And everyone else is wrong, not you.

My inner-critic.